I have been a mom for over 30 years. It's unfathomable but true. I started way too young. Not by choice but things happen. While I do not, nor never have regretted being a mother, I would have liked to have had time on my own to travel and learn about myself first. But life has a way of throwing curve balls and forces you to learn on the fly. The only thing I knew for certain when I was young was that I wanted to be a mother. I saw myself as a business woman also but had no goal other than go to college, get a job, and be a mom. What happened instead was I ended up a SAHM for the past 30 years. Although I do have my own business now but only for the last few years.
I have four beautiful children that have truly been the biggest blessings in my life. Brandon 30, Michelle 27, Isaac 15, and Cade 12.
That is just a little background on becoming a mom. The lessons I have learned along the way have been more than I can write about. But some things have changed me at my core. They have changed the way I see the world. The way I view the big issues like education and religion and health to smaller issues but maybe more important like learning to enjoy each day no matter what challenges may arise. Stopping to watch a bug or butterfly. Smelling flowers. Playing. Watching a sunset. Blowing dandelions and making a wish. I will even do that now when the kids are not around. It is going to be fun to do it again with my granddaughter. Seeing the wonder in the world and seeing the world through new eyes is such a blessing and a gift if we will accept it. Getting that sense of awe and wonder over things we as busy adults tend to ignore. But a lot of times as busy moms, we try to rush our kids and make them move at our pace and miss the wonder that is all around us. The emotions I have felt have been more intense than I ever felt for myself. Love, joy, anger, sadness, happiness, sorrow, excitement just to name a few. I feel these when my kids feel them or when someone directs them at my kids. Something happens when you become a mother that you can't explain. A deep sense of love and protection goes to someone outside of yourself. It is not just about you anymore. Suddenly, there is someone else who's life depends on you. Until one day, it doesn't. Then you have to deal with that set of emotions.
One of the first things we do as young moms is learn all we can and listen to our moms and the doctors and the specialists. We try to do the right thing so we do not "mess up" our children. But something happens early on that causes us to stop and think, "why does this not work for us?" "Is there something wrong with my child, my family, or me?" As much as I tried to do what was expected of me and fit into the box, the more I realized it wasn't for me. It might have worked for my mother or for other families but it wasn't working on ours. This was not something that happened overnight. It was years in the making. Years of trying to do things "right". To be a "good" mother, wife, daughter, friend, homeschool mom, whatever. No matter how hard I tried, I just didn't live up to everyone's expectations. Or a least what I thought were everyone's expectations. After years of feeling like a failure I finally had to come to the realization that my family would never be what the world considered "normal" and that was ok. We, as a family were creating our own normal. I could only be the best mom and wife that I could be for my family and stop looking at and comparing myself to other families. It was just never going to look the same. I used to think that we were so different because we had a special needs child or because we homeschooled, or that my husband had his own business and was a musician. But I soon learned that most moms felt like I did. Inadequate. Not living up to societies norms or your religions or families expectations. This was such an eye opener for me. That so many women could feel like I did. It was really sad to know that so many of us felt like we could never live up. But it taught me a serious lesson. Stop comparing myself to others and stop trying to live up to someone else's expectations. I could only do the best I could do in my situation. Nothing more. I had to learn to stop looking out there for my validation and look within instead. I could only change myself, not society. Not my husband. Not even my children. I had to learn to accept each one of them as they were and not what I expected them to be. And I had to learn to accept myself as I was. That was another huge lesson for me and a huge step in the right direction.
I have quite a lot more to say on the lessons I have learned. I will be writing more in the near future so stay tuned. I am writing this candid confession with the hopes that it will help some other women to lighten up and learn to be just who you are. Accept the family that you have just as they are. Forgive those that judge you. They do not know what you are going through. Forgive yourself if you have been too hard on yourself and on your family for trying to be who you are not. You are perfect just as you are. That doesn't mean we do not strive for excellence. It only means be the best you, you can be.
Peace and love,
Diane
